Barrington Tops

Last week, my wifey, Nen visited me and my family here in Sydney. She took time off from work and her busy schedule with the kids just to be with me. We spent quality time together though it was so limited. We went to Barrington Tops and stayed at the Riverwood Downs Mountain Resort. It was a perfect getaway, very remote, very serene and far away from all the hassle and bustle of daily living.

So much memories we had that it was so painful when she left for home. Looking at the brighter side of it, at least we still have something to look forward to... getting together again. Missing each other so much is good in a way because you know that you are still so much in love with each other.

To my dearest Nen, if by any chance you get to read this post, thanks heaps for all the loving and caring you are giving and showing me. I know you deserve more than this, I'll make it up to you when the time comes. I will be waiting for your next trip to Sydney.

Termite

I was shot in the chest twice, kicked on the face and left shivering in the cold dark night for dead. The scene was so horrible, I was gasping for air as if it was my last. Earlier, my wife and I were hearing Sunday mass. I don't know how but it seems that she was singing amongst the choir and at the same time besides me sitting on one of the front pews. She looked at her back and saw this person staring at us with dagger looks! She whispered to me that it was somebody in her past. I slowly turned my head towards the direction of the person to have a look. It seems that the person was trying to tell me to watch out.

The scene was changed, suddenly we are inside our bedroom getting ready to sleep. She was wearing my long-sleeved shirt and I was wearing my pajamas and white t-shirt. I remember how good looking she was in my shirt. The mood was so romantic and we were hugging and kissing when suddenly our door bell rang. I got up, went outside the room and got to the door. When I opened it, the person I saw in the church was standing on our porch with a gun aimed directly at me. I greeted "good evening, what can I do for you." Without uttering a word, the person fired the gun hitting me on the chest and as I was slumped on the floor bleeding, I felt a kick on my face. I was shivering and gasping for breath. The night was so cold or maybe it is hypovolaemia setting in on me.

I suddenly woke up, I was freezing! I didn't have any blanket on, I remember I gave mine to my mother who was sleeping besides me. I do not know how Sigmund Freud will interpret this but it was one helluvah nightmare. Scary it may seem but I am ready for anything that can happen. If this is the price I have to pay, bring it on!

Alone

For the past 2 weeks Nanay, Tatay and the rest of my siblings have been sleeping over at Abel's house and most of the time I stay in Chelsea by myself, alone in the coldness of winter. Once again I am lying on my bed staring at my notebook's monitor and my ears fixated at the ticking of our clock. As my mind wonder I realise how lonely, bland and empty life could be being alone.

Tonight is one of those "home alone" nights and my ever cumbersome IBS is at it again. Attacking me like hell. I am wincing in pain and I have nobody here to even help me boil water for the warm water bottle. I have to do it myself otherwise I could suffer an infarction of the heart if this pain persists. Bugger! I'll could expire here anytime without being noticed.

It seems like yesterday when I was basking in the love and attention of my family and friends. I was once a center of attraction. I had a fantastic life with a good profession. Life back then was very fulfilling, happy and fun. Never had I experienced being alone before.

Now that the wheel of fortune had turned and my life seems to be in its lowliest part, I know I have to tackle life unaided, unaccompanied and alone by myself. Frustrating as it may be, I already resign the fact that I will be like this until final judgment arrives. As the clock continues to tick my end is coming nearer and nearer. I pray that He would let me fade slowly and alone through the winter night.

How Is It Like To Be?

What is it like being a father? How does it feel being the head of the family, taking care of and providing for your kids and wife? How does it feel taking your children to the pool for a swim or playing catch with them? What is it like driving them to school, helping them with their homeworks and school projects? How does it feel cooking for them and enjoying sharing meals with them? Questions I am sure millions of fathers all around the world could answer.

I still believe that someday, somehow I could answer those questions as well. Despite my advanced age and the predicament I am in to right now, I know that God still has a plan for me. I still am hoping I will have a child of my own. I just do not know if I could be a good father. It's scary starting late... I might not live to see him or her become a adult to have a family of his or her own. I wish I could...

To all fathers, Happy Father's Day! My hat's off to all of you fathers out there. A pat on the back for a job well done!

Love Equals Hurt

We all fell in love at some point in our lives and for sure our feelings were hurt one way or the other sometimes by the ones we love or sometimes by the act of loving itself. Does love really equates to suffering? Do we really need to get hurt when we are in love? Is the pain and suffering really inevitable?

Love has so many definitions and meanings but based on all I've read and as far as my stock knowledge is concerned, there is no single article or book that defines love as something unpleasant, unlikable or distasteful. From all of my readings, love is described in a pleasant and good way.

I am thinking of explanations, reasons why we hurt the ones we love... Could it be that sometimes we are so frustrated with ourselves that we think we do not deserve anything good and by hurting the ones we love, we are hurting ourselves in effect? Could it be that we think of our love ones as good things and unconsciously try to destroy the good things in our lives so as to punish ourselves?

Or could it be that sometimes we tend to hate the ones we love because they know our weaknesses and we can't hide it from them? Could it be that the person we project to other people is being set aside and the things we hide surface?

Or could it be that the ones we love have the guts to be honest and tell us the truth? And we know that sometimes truth hurts and we tend to react intensely. Or could it be that sometimes we expect too much from them that when they fail to meet our expectations, we feel disappointed and thus we want them to regret.

Or could it be that sometimes the ones we love have attitudes, behaviors and characteristics that annoy us and we know we could never change them, sometimes we think of them as blessings but I am sure there are times we think of them as nuisances.

Or could it be that sometimes we are being misunderstood by them? Could it be that we want them to see things the way we see them because we think it is the right one? And if they don't we feel bad about it. Or could it be the other way around... we misunderstand them because we are not willing to comprehend, appreciate and recognise them at all.

Or could it be that we hurt them so as to comfort them in a later time? We feel that we have every right to hurt them because we love them and we will make up for it later.
Or could it be that we trust them so much that we feel they will not stop loving us no matter what we do? Could it be that we feel it is alright to take our frustrations on them and feel secure because we think there will be no consequences when we do that?

Honestly i really do not know the reason or reasons why we do hurt the ones we love. These are just my two cents worth. It could be right, it could be wrong. I could only think of things to justify it. What do you reckon?

Saving Graces

Based on the number of misses I had and the heaps of butterfly needles I used, I'd say that I had a rough and bad day, yesterday. Well, it all started the night before yesterday, I had another bout of high blood pressure and I felt weak and had a splitting headache the whole night until the next morning when I woke up. Poor patients, they had to suffer for my inefficiency. Good thing all my patients yesterday were kind and understanding otherwise I really will be in deep shit.

What saved the day for me was that I met and talked to 3 good Australians. Mrs. D, a 74 year old lady from Mosman mistook me for a South American. We had an extensive talk about how she analyses faces because she used to paint portraits. Unfortunately she was wrong when she scrutinized mine. I told her that I am always mistaken for being a South American and she told me that it is because of my nose, eyes and cheeks. I had fun chatting with her.

Two rooms from Mrs. D's is Mrs. DeV's. When I entered her room she was crying because she was in pain and was very frustrated with her present state. I immediately handed her a facial tissue paper and held her hand. I told her that everything will be alright and what she was experiencing was only temporary. We talked about a lot of things including my mother. She told me that I have sure a place in heaven because according to her I am a good man. Her words will never be forgotten.

Up on the Cardiology Ward, I did blood cultures for Mr. F. He was a very jolly 67 year old man. He loves motorbikes and big cars. He told me to enjoy life like him. He gave me 2 funny quotes and I want to share them with you. "Treat every stressful situation like a dog, if you can eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away." "Edge is not the limit it is only the starting point." He was so hilarious!

People like these make the world go round. I wish them well and I hope to see them in a better situation. I hope their tribes increase. You made my day!

The War Still Remains

Tomorrow at 9am, Abel will be having her repeat BMA biopsy at Westmead. We are hoping and praying that the results will be alright. Aside from some episodes of insomnia, she is doing just great. Her latest full blood count showed a very promising result and her doctor was very happy about it. Presently she is asymptomatic and is in good state of health and I hope it will remain that way until she finishes 2 more consolidation chemotherapy cycles.

The second cycle of chemotherapy will be coming soon and will be dependent on the bone marrow biopsy result. Fingers crossed, the dosage will not be as high as the induction course. We will be eagerly waiting for the results of the biopsy. We are also looking forward to the day that our sister will be pronounced "cancer-free." We are all optimistic that she will eventually win this war against this horrific disease.

One battle won but the war still continues... We are all hanging on! Please continue to offer prayers for her and for all cancer patients around the globe. Ta!

A New Smile

I'm allowed to wake up a bit late on Mondays because my work doesn't start till 12 noon. Today, I woke up early because I have to go to Westmead Hospital to have my blood extracted for tissue typing. The nurse in charge of the stem cell transplant comes only on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Monday is my only chance. Abigail, Eric and Heidi already had their samples of blood taken weeks ago. I was the only one left. All four of us, siblings of Abel, are the prime candidates for donating our bone marrow aspirates for Abel's future stem cell transplant. Unfortunately, Eric's and Abigail's were not a match for Abel. I hope Heidi's or mine's matches.

When I arrived in Abel's room, I saw her face lighten up for the first time since ages ago. It was because her doctors already made their morning rounds and she was allowed to be discharged. She was so excited she packed her things straight away. What a lovely sight! I will not forget that smile on her face. She was so glad. Her WBC started to differentiate already. Neutrophils were already present in her smear and that was good enough for her doctors. If all will turn out well, she will be having another bone marrow biopsy in 2 weeks time and her second round of chemotherapy soon after.

It's good to see her smile again! The best thing that I saw today! I hope all of you out there reading this post will not cease to PRAY for her. Please include her in your daily prayers just like what we are doing. We are still hoping and expecting for the best, in Jesus' name!

My appreciation...

Weaknesses And Strengths

I am a Type A personality. I used to be a doctor once and my strength is making decisions. I admit I am a dominant and decisive person. I don't find any difficulty in decision making, be it good or be it bad. Whenever I decide, I always stand by it. Sometimes other people would say that I am often wrong but never doubtful. I guess that's pretty much who I am and that is my strongest trait.

I also know I have my own weaknesses as well. I tend to please other people and I always do what they want me to do. Bloody hell, come to think of it, I even make tea for my boss! I know I should stop worrying about pleasing other people and I should start doing what I think is best for me and be honest about it. This is my life and I have to make the most out of it!

It was once said that "worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength." I admit I worry a lot and I think that is robbing me of my confidence and strength! Now I realise that things become overwhelming whenever I am living in anxiety. Maybe its about time for me to slow down, relax and go with the flow of life.

I've done a lot of thinking, thanks to my non-satiable brain. I really have to do something about this inner conflict of mine which is slowly but surely eating up my securities. I should hone more on my strengths and do something about my weaknesses and conquer all my fears.

A new day will soon come!

Of Mojos, Confidence and Precariousness

This post is so predictable, you probably saw it coming. Obviously another whinge, another whine, another venting of frustration and despair. This dilemma started from the day I migrated to this foreign continent. It seems that I used up all of my allure, my charm, my charisma, my pizzazz. Nothing's left in my arsenal now. I feel like a low-down son of a gun, so insecure, so vague, vulnerable at times.

I know I am one of the dominant class, I maybe timid and quiet most of the time but I know I am the go getting kind of a person. I used to be "the boss," the one in charge. I used to be on top of the totem pole most of the time, a higher form of animal so to say. But now things are different. I feel I am a second class citizen here. I was sucked up into life's daily ebb and flow here, so predictable, so routine. "I lost my mojo" here. And now that I feel so lowly of myself I sometimes do not know who I am anymore, what to act, what to say.

I know I have to get over this, myself. I have to solve this problem alone and fast. So many things going into my mind and I have to face and resolve each and every one of these worries. It just doesn't show sometimes but the truth of the matter is, I am carrying a heavy load as of the moment. The last thing I need now probably is an insult to compound this hurt.

I thought I got over this a long time ago, I guess there are still a few hangovers looming around. In time I am sure things will be back in order. When? That's for me to tell.

Haircut

Abel is losing her hair very fast, a very common side effect of the chemotherapy she had. She decided to have a haircut today so Eric and I went there after lunch to cut her hair. I brought my camera to document the moments. It's a good thing she was "game" during the photoshoot.



On our way to her room, we met Ate Chit and Kuya Soty at the foyer. They were there to visit Abel as well. We prayed the Divine Mercy novena first then haircut time afterwards. Her platelet count is very low today and she's having blood in her stools. I think they will transfuse platelets today. Other than that, she seems to be alright.

In Jesus' name she will overcome this ordeal. We are all counting on that. Let's keep on praying.

Off Chemo

I just arrived home, I went straight to Westmead Hospital to visit Abel. She's in high spirit today although you can see that she's very weak and tired. Yesterday she was having abdominal pain and bloating. I attribute this to hyperacidity because she is still maintained on a low dose dexamethasone.

I told her to ambulate more even inside her room because prolonged recumbency will cause her bowel to become hypoactive. Today is the 4th day off chemotherapy. Doctors are giving her bone marrow ample time to recover as her blood cells are close to nil. She is very vulnerable to infection at this stage.

Still I am appealing to all of you reading this post. Please include my sister, Abel and all cancer sufferers around the world, in your prayers. Again my sincerest appreciation to all of you.

Prayers can move mountains and I know with your help we can effect a big difference. I continue to have faith...

Roller Coaster Ride

I'm glad last week was already over. It was a long and slow week full of dramas and emotions. So much had happened during the past week. Abel started her chemotherapy last Monday, the 4th. She experienced all the grimness of chemotherapy. She was literally knocked down but fortunately not out. Nen had her problems of her own too and I couldn't do much to help. It was so frustrating for me. I had another episode of hypertension last Thursday and my blood pressure sky rocketed up to the heavens. It's a good thing I didn't had stroke but I already experienced numbness of my arms and legs.

Indeed life as they say, is like a roller coaster ride. It is so mysterious you'll never know what lies on the horizon, what is stored for tomorrow. I sure am glad that I was able to be of service to my family and to other people. I am glad I was able to touch other people's lives and made them happy. At least I will be remembered in a pleasant way.

Let us all continue to hope, have faith and most of all love.

For Nanay

Cheers to my dearest Nanay whom I love so much! You deserve all the accolades that we can give, you are the best this earth can ever produce. It is my privilege to be one of your children. I am nothing without you and my siblings will not be here as well if it wasn't for you. In behalf of all of us, thank you very much!

Nanay, I will continue to take care of you up to the best of my capabilities. I know there are times I take you for granted, my apologies for that. Please forgive me when the time comes that I will be leaving you for good, I really do not know when. When that time comes, please do not think that I love you less, it's just that I love somebody more and I have to be with her. I will never ever get you out of my mind, I'll do that.

I always pray for your health. May He lighten up your burden and physical difficulties. May He give you more years for you to see another grandchild. I love you very much my dearest Nanay. May God bless you. Happy Mother's Day.

Mabuhay ka, Nanay!

Happy Mother's Day

I got this from a friend's email. I just want to share it with you...



A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, You will simply call her, "Mum."

Loony Tunes

I have a question for you... How would you react if somebody thinks you are crazy? What would you think if somebody doesn't want his or her loved ones near you because he or she thinks that you'll scare the hell out of them? Whoa! That's something isn't it?

Most would probably get infuriated. Others might just laugh out loud. Still a few would contest it and try to explain things. So many responses to a particular situation. Personally, I will prove to everybody that I am not. I know that the burden of proving that rests on me but I won't mind, I will do anything just to be have a clean bill of mental health. I will subject myself to any mental status examination by any "sane" psychiatrist, anytime, anywhere. I know myself more than anybody in this universe and I can challenge anyone who questions my sanity.

So in case somebody thinks you are a sicko and you honestly believe you are not, go with that person to a respectable mental doctor and let him check you. Who knows you might discover that the doctor examining you is the one who is crazy. It's hard to be branded as one, isn't it?

Makes me go crazy! HAHAHAHA

Updates On Abel

It's been nearly a week now since my sister, Abel was confined at Westmead Hospital. It's a struggle for her and for us, I can see and feel it in each and every one of us. But I can also see her trying her very best to fight back and win this ordeal. That alone is more than enough for us to hope for the best.

Tuesday last week, the 28th of April, bone marrow biopsy was done after which she was allowed to go home. She went back to the hospital on the 30th, Thursday, due to a scheduled appointment with Dr. Benson, her attending Hematologist-Oncologist. The good doctor confirmed the initial impression of the doctors in the States, Abel was indeed suffering from Acute Myelogenous Leukaemia. However Dr. Benson did not disclose the subtype, they were told that the type of AML that Abel has was not the most aggressive neither the least. Her's was in the middle of the "totem pole" so to speak. There were no abnormal chromosomes noted. Treatment plans were laid down and she was enrolled to a research study about the effect of a certain drug to Mucositis during chemotherapy. That same day, the Hickman's catheter was placed on her chest. Due to a low platelet count, blood oozed from the incision site so the doctors decided not to let her go home and she was admitted at the Women's Health Ward as there are still no vacant room in the Hema-Onco Ward.

Friday, she was transferred to C5, Hematology-Oncology Ward. She was experiencing some soreness on her throat but physical examination of her throat just showed congestion of the tonsillopharyngeal wall. She was in high spirits at the time and I can see that she was trying her best to make herself strong. We were all there but Jil wasn't allowed to go inside the ward so Abel went outside the waiting area to see Jil. We all prayed the rosary there.

Saturday was uneventful, Kuya Soty, Ate Chit, Dra. Zonit Roland, Dra. Bebs, Jessie, and Digs visited her. Nen sent flowers and fruits as well. Sunday morning, Abel experienced dizziness and weakness, her hemoglobin was down to the low 70's. She was unable to eat but still she tried her best to have a bite. Late in the afternoon packed red cells were transfused. It breaks my heart to see Abel talking to her one and only Jil. I can't help but wipe away my tears, such a very sad sight.

Today, I wasn't able to visit her because I have work until 8:30 p.m. but I gave her a ring earlier, she told me she felt better after the transfusion. Tomorrow will be the first day of the series of chemotherapy she will be undergoing. We are all hoping for the best and I am appealing to all of you to please include my sister, Abel, in your prayers. That's all she needs right now.

My sincerest appreciation to all of you. May GOD bless us all.

Our Family's Greatest Challenge

While on overseas tour of work in Manila last month, My sister, Abel had a serious case of periodontal infection. She suffered a lot of pain and wasn't able to eat and sleep well because of it. She was treated by a Periodontist who drained the abscess. Her condition improved upon her return here in Sydney.

Two days after her return, she and her family were on their way to San Francisco for a scheduled vacation. On the second day of her stay in the States, she called me complaining of slight fever occurring mostly at bedtime, this was accompanied by slight colds and recurrence of the gum problem. I attributed the fever and colds to a viral infection of the upper respiratory tract and just told her to rest and take analgesics on a "pro re nata" basis.

The fever persisted until finally on her last week of stay in California, she was experiencing chest pains and difficulty of breathing. I told her to see a doctor to rule out the possibility of other disease entities. She was subsequently confined in one of the private hospital in Antioch. Workups were done including a full blood count. Her initial WBC was 27 and on the second day it went up to 32. She was referred to a hematologist who reviewed her peripheral smear. Blast cells were found and she was diagnosed to have Leukaemia.

We were all shocked with the news. I was in the Philippines at that time. My first reaction was, no! it can't be, they must be wrong. So I advised them to go back immediately to Sydney as I was on my way back here as well. I told her not to think of the diagnosis because a bone marrow biopsy is not yet done.

Tomorrow she is scheduled to be admitted at Westmead Hospital for a complete workup, including the bone marrow aspiration biopsy. The initial diagnosis of Leukaemia will be established tomorrow. We are all facing a serious battle here, a battle of survival from a very dangerous illness. I know that with God's help and everybody's prayers, my sister, Abel will triumph against this dreadful disease.

Once again our family is faced with a very difficult challenge. A problem, I know we can carry all together. Please join me and my family in asking for help from the Almighty. I know He is good and kind and He will extend to us once again the blessings He bestowed on us when my mother was on a very serious condition.

Please pray for Abel...

My Life In Writing

It's been a while since I last contributed to the Blog Rounds. Accept my sincerest apologies. Life's a lot different when you are abroad and I'm sure many can attest to that. I also would like to say thank you to the moderator of this week's blog rounds for inviting me again to participate. Cheers to you Ligaya! I'm sure you'll do well.

My life became an open book, well at least some part of it, ever since I started blogging. If you'll read some of my entries here, you'll surely get to know me well as a person.

I hail from a province of poets and beautiful lasses, Bulacan. Malolos is my hometown and I live near the church at the back of your 10 peso bill. I am half Ivatan, half Bulakenyo. I'm the 3rd among 5 siblings. Presently I am already based here in Sydney and I don't work as a doctor anymore. I was once a Pediatrician and used to have a meager private practice in Pulilan. I am still single but currently in a very serious relationship.

Nobody influenced me to write. It's just that I can easily communicate and express myself through writing rather than conversing. If there is one book that I will recommend you guys to read, it's Og Mandino's "The Gift Of Acabar." He has a simple "life instruction" there in the "Credenda." I usually blog hop when I have the time. Sometimes it's worthwhile reading other peoples ideas and thoughts. Of the many entries I have in my weblog, these are some of my favorites...

Inner Fear
Doctors Are Human After All
Grow Old
The Story Of Nan Cheng
How I Accidentally Became A Pediatrician
Enjoy Your Parents
and last but definitely not the least, Vivid.

Thanks once again for the invite! Cheers!

Grow Old

It seems like yesterday when we were celebrating the first day of 2009. Well, today is already April Fool's day and nobody seems to have noticed it. Time is on its supersonic mode, like a McLaren-Mercedes MP4-24 car zooming full speed on 6th gear. It is literally flying, like an F-18 Hornet at mach 1.8... very fast indeed!

At the rate at which the earth is rotating in its axis, it won't take long for us to grow with age. It's a bit scary to think that there are so much things to do with so little time. Life is indeed very short. Might as well do things in order now than ending up with regrets of not doing them at all. It's terrifying to think that tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I will be biting the dust already because of old age because I know for a fact that our generation is next in line.

For now let us all live our lives meaningfully to the fullest. Play fair, be good neighbors and friends so that when its time to go to the other side, we'll be remembered pleasantly. Let us limit our carbon footprints and make this planet a better place to live in for the future generations to come.

Say I love you more often...

Enjoy life, what's left of it.