Friday, June 18, 2010

Companionable As Solitude

Like a lighthouse keeper, I am trekking these steps towards the light chamber alone by myself at the moment. I have to flare up the lamp so I can illuminate the path which the others are journeying at present for them to see better in the darkest part of their voyage. I have to toughen up like a soldier patrolling the borders of Kabul in Afghanistan trusting only my reliable armaments and munitions. I have to be strong for the others to brave and endure the tremendous pain that they (and I) are suffering.

Life could be such a stinker sometimes, you just have to rely on HIM and yourself to weather all storms. I guess that is what viability is all about. I surrender everything to HIM, I always say that, although sometimes, I feel I don't have the smallest mustard seed I need to help me understand and fathom everything. Sometimes I really hate the knowledge I got from Med school, because of this my faith in HIM sometimes comes to a naught. Most, if not all, of the time, I envy my siblings who have so much faith and trust in HIM that they can sleep soundly at nights while I toss and turn worrying and thinking about everything that happened and might occur. I wish I am like them, I hate being a medicine man.

I experienced this before, when our mother got critically sick 14 years ago. I was the only one pessimistic about the whole dilemma. I hated myself when I gave up on her. I just do not want to go into the details, it's so repulsive. In retrospect, if they all gave up on her before, nobody would be holding my arms now as I write. That was a decision that I will regret for the rest of my freaking earth life! How I wish I didn't become a doctor.

Now that I and my family are going into the same ordeal we had 14 years ago, I have to condition myself to face the challenge that this life is giving me, alone, but with HIS guidance and blessings . I've learned so much from that horrible incident we had before with my mother. I pray that HE will give me peace of mind and grant me the tiniest faith I need and authentically surrender to HIM everything.

I continue to implore HIS mercy on me, us and our father.


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