Friday, June 18, 2010

Companionable As Solitude

Like a lighthouse keeper, I am trekking these steps towards the light chamber alone by myself at the moment. I have to flare up the lamp so I can illuminate the path which the others are journeying at present for them to see better in the darkest part of their voyage. I have to toughen up like a soldier patrolling the borders of Kabul in Afghanistan trusting only my reliable armaments and munitions. I have to be strong for the others to brave and endure the tremendous pain that they (and I) are suffering.

Life could be such a stinker sometimes, you just have to rely on HIM and yourself to weather all storms. I guess that is what viability is all about. I surrender everything to HIM, I always say that, although sometimes, I feel I don't have the smallest mustard seed I need to help me understand and fathom everything. Sometimes I really hate the knowledge I got from Med school, because of this my faith in HIM sometimes comes to a naught. Most, if not all, of the time, I envy my siblings who have so much faith and trust in HIM that they can sleep soundly at nights while I toss and turn worrying and thinking about everything that happened and might occur. I wish I am like them, I hate being a medicine man.

I experienced this before, when our mother got critically sick 14 years ago. I was the only one pessimistic about the whole dilemma. I hated myself when I gave up on her. I just do not want to go into the details, it's so repulsive. In retrospect, if they all gave up on her before, nobody would be holding my arms now as I write. That was a decision that I will regret for the rest of my freaking earth life! How I wish I didn't become a doctor.

Now that I and my family are going into the same ordeal we had 14 years ago, I have to condition myself to face the challenge that this life is giving me, alone, but with HIS guidance and blessings . I've learned so much from that horrible incident we had before with my mother. I pray that HE will give me peace of mind and grant me the tiniest faith I need and authentically surrender to HIM everything.

I continue to implore HIS mercy on me, us and our father.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Update On My Father's Condition

Repeat CT scan done last Tuesday, the 8th of June revealed a new "stroke." His doctor was telling us it was a "big" bleed on the occipital lobe of the brain. His blood sugar is now shooting up and liver function tests and kidney function tests are all derranged. The family had a meeting with his doctor and his team and they laid all their cards to us. They have a meager of a plan for him. Better than nothing I suppose. We are just hoping for a big miracle to happen. Please continue to help us ask for mercy from Him.

May the good Lord bless him and keep him and minimise his sufferings. God bless my tatay.