Alone

For the past 2 weeks Nanay, Tatay and the rest of my siblings have been sleeping over at Abel's house and most of the time I stay in Chelsea by myself, alone in the coldness of winter. Once again I am lying on my bed staring at my notebook's monitor and my ears fixated at the ticking of our clock. As my mind wonder I realise how lonely, bland and empty life could be being alone.

Tonight is one of those "home alone" nights and my ever cumbersome IBS is at it again. Attacking me like hell. I am wincing in pain and I have nobody here to even help me boil water for the warm water bottle. I have to do it myself otherwise I could suffer an infarction of the heart if this pain persists. Bugger! I'll could expire here anytime without being noticed.

It seems like yesterday when I was basking in the love and attention of my family and friends. I was once a center of attraction. I had a fantastic life with a good profession. Life back then was very fulfilling, happy and fun. Never had I experienced being alone before.

Now that the wheel of fortune had turned and my life seems to be in its lowliest part, I know I have to tackle life unaided, unaccompanied and alone by myself. Frustrating as it may be, I already resign the fact that I will be like this until final judgment arrives. As the clock continues to tick my end is coming nearer and nearer. I pray that He would let me fade slowly and alone through the winter night.

How Is It Like To Be?

What is it like being a father? How does it feel being the head of the family, taking care of and providing for your kids and wife? How does it feel taking your children to the pool for a swim or playing catch with them? What is it like driving them to school, helping them with their homeworks and school projects? How does it feel cooking for them and enjoying sharing meals with them? Questions I am sure millions of fathers all around the world could answer.

I still believe that someday, somehow I could answer those questions as well. Despite my advanced age and the predicament I am in to right now, I know that God still has a plan for me. I still am hoping I will have a child of my own. I just do not know if I could be a good father. It's scary starting late... I might not live to see him or her become a adult to have a family of his or her own. I wish I could...

To all fathers, Happy Father's Day! My hat's off to all of you fathers out there. A pat on the back for a job well done!

Love Equals Hurt

We all fell in love at some point in our lives and for sure our feelings were hurt one way or the other sometimes by the ones we love or sometimes by the act of loving itself. Does love really equates to suffering? Do we really need to get hurt when we are in love? Is the pain and suffering really inevitable?

Love has so many definitions and meanings but based on all I've read and as far as my stock knowledge is concerned, there is no single article or book that defines love as something unpleasant, unlikable or distasteful. From all of my readings, love is described in a pleasant and good way.

I am thinking of explanations, reasons why we hurt the ones we love... Could it be that sometimes we are so frustrated with ourselves that we think we do not deserve anything good and by hurting the ones we love, we are hurting ourselves in effect? Could it be that we think of our love ones as good things and unconsciously try to destroy the good things in our lives so as to punish ourselves?

Or could it be that sometimes we tend to hate the ones we love because they know our weaknesses and we can't hide it from them? Could it be that the person we project to other people is being set aside and the things we hide surface?

Or could it be that the ones we love have the guts to be honest and tell us the truth? And we know that sometimes truth hurts and we tend to react intensely. Or could it be that sometimes we expect too much from them that when they fail to meet our expectations, we feel disappointed and thus we want them to regret.

Or could it be that sometimes the ones we love have attitudes, behaviors and characteristics that annoy us and we know we could never change them, sometimes we think of them as blessings but I am sure there are times we think of them as nuisances.

Or could it be that sometimes we are being misunderstood by them? Could it be that we want them to see things the way we see them because we think it is the right one? And if they don't we feel bad about it. Or could it be the other way around... we misunderstand them because we are not willing to comprehend, appreciate and recognise them at all.

Or could it be that we hurt them so as to comfort them in a later time? We feel that we have every right to hurt them because we love them and we will make up for it later.
Or could it be that we trust them so much that we feel they will not stop loving us no matter what we do? Could it be that we feel it is alright to take our frustrations on them and feel secure because we think there will be no consequences when we do that?

Honestly i really do not know the reason or reasons why we do hurt the ones we love. These are just my two cents worth. It could be right, it could be wrong. I could only think of things to justify it. What do you reckon?

Saving Graces

Based on the number of misses I had and the heaps of butterfly needles I used, I'd say that I had a rough and bad day, yesterday. Well, it all started the night before yesterday, I had another bout of high blood pressure and I felt weak and had a splitting headache the whole night until the next morning when I woke up. Poor patients, they had to suffer for my inefficiency. Good thing all my patients yesterday were kind and understanding otherwise I really will be in deep shit.

What saved the day for me was that I met and talked to 3 good Australians. Mrs. D, a 74 year old lady from Mosman mistook me for a South American. We had an extensive talk about how she analyses faces because she used to paint portraits. Unfortunately she was wrong when she scrutinized mine. I told her that I am always mistaken for being a South American and she told me that it is because of my nose, eyes and cheeks. I had fun chatting with her.

Two rooms from Mrs. D's is Mrs. DeV's. When I entered her room she was crying because she was in pain and was very frustrated with her present state. I immediately handed her a facial tissue paper and held her hand. I told her that everything will be alright and what she was experiencing was only temporary. We talked about a lot of things including my mother. She told me that I have sure a place in heaven because according to her I am a good man. Her words will never be forgotten.

Up on the Cardiology Ward, I did blood cultures for Mr. F. He was a very jolly 67 year old man. He loves motorbikes and big cars. He told me to enjoy life like him. He gave me 2 funny quotes and I want to share them with you. "Treat every stressful situation like a dog, if you can eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away." "Edge is not the limit it is only the starting point." He was so hilarious!

People like these make the world go round. I wish them well and I hope to see them in a better situation. I hope their tribes increase. You made my day!

The War Still Remains

Tomorrow at 9am, Abel will be having her repeat BMA biopsy at Westmead. We are hoping and praying that the results will be alright. Aside from some episodes of insomnia, she is doing just great. Her latest full blood count showed a very promising result and her doctor was very happy about it. Presently she is asymptomatic and is in good state of health and I hope it will remain that way until she finishes 2 more consolidation chemotherapy cycles.

The second cycle of chemotherapy will be coming soon and will be dependent on the bone marrow biopsy result. Fingers crossed, the dosage will not be as high as the induction course. We will be eagerly waiting for the results of the biopsy. We are also looking forward to the day that our sister will be pronounced "cancer-free." We are all optimistic that she will eventually win this war against this horrific disease.

One battle won but the war still continues... We are all hanging on! Please continue to offer prayers for her and for all cancer patients around the globe. Ta!