Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Of Mojos, Confidence and Precariousness

This post is so predictable, you probably saw it coming. Obviously another whinge, another whine, another venting of frustration and despair. This dilemma started from the day I migrated to this foreign continent. It seems that I used up all of my allure, my charm, my charisma, my pizzazz. Nothing's left in my arsenal now. I feel like a low-down son of a gun, so insecure, so vague, vulnerable at times.

I know I am one of the dominant class, I maybe timid and quiet most of the time but I know I am the go getting kind of a person. I used to be "the boss," the one in charge. I used to be on top of the totem pole most of the time, a higher form of animal so to say. But now things are different. I feel I am a second class citizen here. I was sucked up into life's daily ebb and flow here, so predictable, so routine. "I lost my mojo" here. And now that I feel so lowly of myself I sometimes do not know who I am anymore, what to act, what to say.

I know I have to get over this, myself. I have to solve this problem alone and fast. So many things going into my mind and I have to face and resolve each and every one of these worries. It just doesn't show sometimes but the truth of the matter is, I am carrying a heavy load as of the moment. The last thing I need now probably is an insult to compound this hurt.

I thought I got over this a long time ago, I guess there are still a few hangovers looming around. In time I am sure things will be back in order. When? That's for me to tell.


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